It has been four weeks since my whole world imploded and my family unit fell apart. My partner left and I was alone with my babies. Life has been challenging, learning how to be everything to my two beautiful girls. Making sure that even though I was coming apart at the seams, they needed to feel safe and secure. I have cried more than I care to think about. I have been so angry. I have been so sad. I have felt so lost and alone. But this blog is not going to be about that. This is about healing and forgiveness.
I was not eating, I was not sleeping, I was getting sick, physically from the high stress levels. But a very good friend and family member sent me something very profound. A series all about starting over (http://startingoverseries.org/). My goodness it was tough to listen to! The first step in healing and making sure you don't take those same paths again is learning to own your part. Stop blaming. Yes it was bad and he did wrong, but I can't change him, I can only change me. So I looked at myself long and hard, I cried about the bad choices I had made. I dug deep and I was still angry. I had owned my share, but I was still angry and hurt.
The second part, was rethinking, changing my mindset. That was a tough one too. I was like a hamster on a wheel, just over and over thinking about why did he do it? How could he move on so quick? How could he walk away? I had to change my mindset. And so I set about changing the way I thought. Stopped focusing on the negative, and started looking to the bible for guidance, looking to God for wisdom. Stopped putting my trust and faith in men and instead lifting my eyes up to our Heavenly Father. Now I know a lot of my friends are not Christians and so this may be foreign to you, but my goodness did I hear back from God in a big way! He told me to let go, let go of the hurt, and forgive. How can I forgive I asked God, did you not see what happened? But regardless of how hard it was to forgive, that is exactly what I did. I sent the following message to my ex (For obvious reasons I will block out the name)
"I'm letting you go (name). I will stop harassing you with my messages, I won't hound you for answers any more. I just can't carry on like this. Always thinking about you. So I release you from me and everything that entails. You are finally free to live how you choose, with whomever you choose. I genuinely wish you nothing but good. I cannot carry on hating you and loving you. I'm making myself sick and thoughts of you consume me. I can't carry on like this. You are free (Name)."
I felt an instant calm come over me after I hit send on that message. As hard as it was to write and as hard as it was to send, I felt the change in my mindset starting. I slept properly for the first time in weeks (as well as a mother of a 7 month old can!) What I found was the anger and hurt was only damaging me, he didn't see it or feel it. I was torturing myself. It was not healthy and it finally stopped that night. No more anger, no more resentment, just peace.
Finally on the last of the series which is all about restarting. I'm not quite ready to delve into that one just yet as I am still working on rethinking and rewiring my brain to think positively and be positive. Forgiveness is not an overnight thing and if anyone tells you it's that easy, then they must show me how. It's a daily thing to wake up and think of forgiveness rather than hatred or anger. But well worth it! So slowly but surely healing is coming and the pain subsides.
It was actually my friend and family member who suggested I do this follow up blog and I decided I would. If there was anyone else going through what I am going though, then maybe they might benefit from this story of healing. Time is the most important part of this journey. So I am hitting pause while I heal. No big life decisions, no dates, just time. I am taking a year out to regroup and heal. Take time to fall in love with Jesus again and build that relationship up. The most important relationship of all!
Now onto restarting....I'm excited to see where this new journey will take me and my little family of girls!